Sunday, 21 June 2009

4 days and counting

My prognosis of a busy few weeks to take our minds off the mind numbingly slow wait were of course optimistic. Over the last few weeks we have done not a lot and I have been suffering with every single part of that not a lot. It has been a slow few weeks made even slower and longer by terrible nausea that is inescapable. For the first week or so a glass of something fizzy and something bland, croissant, toast etc did the job and saw off the waves of nausea for a few hour. For a while breakfast foods became my staple diet and I didn't care, it worked.

All good things come to an end. Now I am trying one remedy after the other, each as ineffective as the last at trying to control the by now overwhelming queasiness. It has finally been decided the only way of coping is a bland light meal, something cold and wet, be it an ice lolly, ice cubes, water or fruit juice and an early night.

This constant nausea is made worse by a mild case of emetophobia. A condition who's sufferers have a fear of sick. This began to plague me in my late teen years and has become worse of late. At first is presented itself as merely a concern that my husband would be sick. This escalated to my fear of him and other people being sick, accompanied by hot flushes, a raised heart rate, and trouble breathing. This has now morphed to include a fear of myself being sick, something I realised recently when I noted I have not been sick for over 9 years!

A fear of vomiting and morning sickness do not go hand in hand and so far I have succesfully fought off the nausea, if today is anything to go by, this may not continue much longer!

I have also been sleeping as though I have been on a 4 day drinking session. I tend to go to bed, but not sleep, at around 10pm, read or watch my now favourite series, Sex and the City, and then finally sleep only to wake about 14 hours later ready to go back to bed. It is a good job I don't have a job at the moment, I am sure I would be sacked for sitting down gulping air to fight back nausea and then falling asleep at 10am!

Due to our 'history' we were promised an early scan in our next pregnancy. However, we now live 350 miles away from the early pregnancy unit that promised the early scan. I had heard bad things about our now local EPU so I rang with much trepidation hoping they would take pity.

After being bounced from one hospital to another I found the right person and played the part of the new mother to be and explained everything that happened to us with Lumpy. Fortunately she took pity and made an exception to their 'no self referral' rule due to our history and the obscene wait to register at our local doctors surgery. As a result I have a scan booked for Thursday 25th June when I will be exactly 8 weeks pregnant.

4 days and counting.

It has been a long journey to this point, one which makes the seemingly short wait until the scan endless. At the back of my mind I have all the normal concerns of a young mother to be. These are amplified by our past experiences. Yet somehow under it all I have a calm positive attitude. Yes I am terrified of it being bad news. Yes every twinge and pain fills me with dread. Yes I visit the toilet 10 times a day to ensure there is no bleeding. But somehow I know it will all be ok.

The overwhelming feeling that it will all be ok brings with it a new set of challenges. So deep set it my conviction that this is going to be a healthy pregnancy, it scares me. What if things don't go right? What if they say there is no baby or worse a baby that is hanging on but won't make it? I can't go through that pain again, a pain that will be made worse by my all encompassing belief that it was all ok. I want to be negative so I am prepared for the worst.

So the next 4 days will pass by in a schizophrenic blur of negativity, positivity and downright fear.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

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